05.15.07
Two Models of Interpersonal Healing
Time as Healing
This model views hurts in a relationship as parallel to physical wounds. The correct approach to dealing with such wounds is to cover the wound and allow time to heal it. To dwell on these hurts, or try to fix them, risks infection or aggravation, thus delaying the healing process.
Truth as Healing
This model views hurts as misunderstandings. The correct approach, therefore, in dealing with such wounds is to clear up the misunderstandings. When each person understands what the other meant, the conflict is resolved. To avoid dealing with the misunderstanding, therefore, is to prevent proper healing of a wound, much like allowing a bone to heal without setting it correctly.
The Disconnect
Obviously, these two models conflict in a certain way. Someone using the time model would be completely exasperated by a person using the other model because of their insistence on making a bigger deal than necessary. Talking about who said what and what they really meant can only make the wound worse and prolong the pain of the injury. Even if she understood the other’s perspective, she might say, “Don’t you think our friendship is strong enough that we can both get over this and move on?”
Likewise, the ‘misunderstanding model’ user would be exasperated by the ‘time model’ user’s ignoring the problem. Letting the issue go undiscussed would create room for potential future conflict about the same topic. Even if he understood the other’s perspective, he might say, “Don’t you think we should deal with this while it already hurts so we don’t have to re-break the bone and re-set it later?”